There once was a candidate named Newt...

We're sure at least one group of election watchers held out hope for a Newt Gingrich resurgence Tuesday in the Alabama and Mississippi Republican primaries. That group, of course, would be the contestants in the Charlotte Observer Limericks contest.

After all, who would want such a prolific supplier of fine subject matter to walk away?

The former House speaker obliged our thirst for material again last week by extolling the virtues of natural gas to Mississippi voters last week. John Long of Stanley couldn’t resist:

This limerick writer’s not crass.

But Newt Gingrich…and natural gas?

Though it may cause a stink,

Thanks Observer (wink wink),

This gift is just too good to pass.

Lou Breaux of Charlotte also knows some prime material when he sees it:

Newt was late for his campaign rally.

Filmed a gas rig for Obama to see.

Some folks say it’s all show

But it seems apropos

That Newt favors his gas naturally.

Good thing others can step up and fill the Gingrich void. Evangelist Pat Robertson, say hello to Charlotte’s Loyd Dillon:

Pat Robertson’s flock count was falling.

So for hipness, he did something galling:

His “Legalize pot!”

Is now smokin’ hot

And part of his new “higher calling.”

It’s not just the national figures who supply the good stuff to our entrants. N.C. Rep. George Cleveland of Onslow County, who declared there is no “extreme poverty in North Carolina,” caught the eye of Ken Burrows of Charlotte:

Hundreds sleep on the sidewalk or floor,

Under bridges, in woods – by the score.

No tongue can recite

Their relief and delight

To learn, after all, they’re not poor.

Charlotte’s Bill McGloughlin saw communications possibilities in Brad Keselowski tweeting from his car during a Daytona 500 delay:

Driver tweets could give NASCAR some punch,

And they are quite a talented bunch.

It’s OK, don’t you know,

We’re professionals, so,

Multitasking’s no problem for ...CRUNCH!

Charleen Bolt of Charlotte is dealing with her own distractions:

Now starts the season of sneezing.

Here comes the coughing and wheezing.

Inhale the Flonase,

Walk around in a daze.

Achoo! I wish it was still freezing.

Wes Long of Cramerton sees some improvements Donald Trump could make to The Point Golf Club in Mooresville, should they accept his purchase bid:

At The Point, Donald spoke with great flair,

Of ideas to solve disrepair.

To save money restoring

He’d redo the Club’s flooring

With cheap rugs, or as Trump calls ‘em, hair.

Great entries, all of them. But our winner this week, John Long, returns us appropriately to Newt Gingrich, one more time:

Newt’s overblown ego’s a danger.

To hubris, this guy is no stranger.

I read yesterday,

In his thick resume,

For “Place of Birth” it says “a manger.”

The best of the rest:

Lou Breaux, Charlotte

Romney’s family pet dog was exposed
In that car rooftop crate, locked and closed.
If Mitt does gets elected
Then I guess it’s expected,
Just like Seamus, we’re about to get hosed…

Ken Burrows, Charlotte

You're not poor in NC, the pols. say,
If you're getting $2 a day.
After all, grits and beans
And fatback and greens
Are more wholesome than steak or souffle.

Tommy Forney, on those ubiquitous ED commercials

If for loving you don't need cold showers
Take a pill, not just silly old flowers
There's no reason to grieve,
Those ads have you believe
And you'll be fine for three point five hours.

Madeleine Begun Kane

Mitt Romney would love all this over:
Nomination sewn up, in like clover,
All primed for a fight
To be Prez with the right
To ride Limo One topped with Rover.

Constance Kolpitcke

Fast food chains to their credit did declare
No more pink slime in their fare.
But the USDAA approves serving the stuff
In school lunch programs, sure 'nuff.
Let parents and students beware!

Wes Long, Cramerton:

The CMS wireless conception
Has gotten an ice-cold reception
From some folks on the right
Who think iPads just might
Be some kind of new contraception.

John Long, Stanley

My Lake Norman home value's week,
So now reassessment I seek.
My house, like an otter,
Has gone underwater
My current address? Up a creek.

Pat Looper, Morganton, on Curt Walton

Walton's been given the dough,

To guard the DNC show;

And he's not tellin'

What's gonna be gellin'

To keep us all safe from a blow.

Bill McGloughlin, Charlotte

Ballantyne thinks that Charlotte's a bore.
Independence, they'd like to explore.
If you're thinking secession,
Show a little discretion.
Ask a native. We've tried this before.

Joel Zauss, of Charlotte:

Rick Santorum has shown he’s inclined

To keep ladies’ rights tightly confined.

War on women is waged

And the girls are enraged

Now “goodbye” he can kiss his behind.

Taylor Batten is back in charge next week. Send entries to him at tbatten@charlotteobserver.com. Deadline: Noon Monday for Wednesday publication.

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